Why I like Retirement!

How many days in a week?                                      Six Saturdays and One Sunday.
When is a retiree's bedtime?                                    Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.
How many retiree's does it take to change a light bulb?   Only one, but it might take all day.
What is the biggest gripe of retirees?                    There is not enough time to get everything done.
Among retirees, what is classed as formal attire?    Shoes with laces.
What is the term for someone who refused to retire and enjoys work?    Nuts!
Why are retirees loath to clear out the loft, basement or garage?    As soon as they do, one of their adult
                                                                                         kids will want to store stuff there.
What do retirees call a long lunch?                       Normal.
What is the best way to describe retirement?    Never-ending coffee break.
What do you do all week?                                       Monday to Friday - Nothing;  Saturday & Sunday - Rest.

Snoring Poem

Lying here beside you dear, I turn and watch you sleep,
So blessed am I to have you, a love so strong and deep,
You always say you love me, but I really love you more,
That is until I'm startled by the most god awful snore!
 
The noise is so outrageous that it vibrates in my head,
I'm shaken like a rag doll, like an earthquake hit our bed,
I know in each relationship, there's highs and there are lows,
But what's that awful whistling sound that's coming from your nose?
 
I stare at you in utter shock, your mouth is gaping wide,
A sound like Old MacDonald's Farm, is coming from inside,
I throw the nearest thing at you, my empty coffee cup,
I shake you with my free hand and attempt to wake you up.
 
You told me that you didn't snore, I guess you told me fibs,
So I sharpen up my elbow and I smash you in the ribs!
You groan in pain and I believe, that silence will return,
I push your shoulder strongly in the hopes that you will turn.
 
Alas you are still sound asleep, although you fart and cough,
With a noise that's reminiscent of an Airbus taking off,
Your snores renew with vigor and grow louder than before,
So I kick you off the bed and you land loudly on the floor!
 
I don't believe this! What the F? How can you sleep through that?
I'm getting really angry now, I cannot sleep you twat!!
I lean across the bed to where you're lying on the floor,
Landed on your back I see? And still I hear you snore!
 
I call your name, there's no reply, it's like you're comatose,
So I reach my hand out in the dark and hold your bleddy nose,
You splutter and you're drooling, still sound asleep, no cares,
Oh sod this for a bleddy lark, I'm off to sleep downstairs!!
 

Can you relate to any of the pictures below?

The Grandma Test


I was out walking with my Grandson. He picked up something off of the Ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that.
 
                       "Why" my Grandson asked.
 
                       "Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs, and sometimes germs make little boys sick and not feel good" I replied.
 
                       At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?? You are so smart."
 
                       I was thinking quickly and said to him. "All Grandmas know stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."
 
 We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information.
 
                       "Oh....I get it! He beamed, So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa."
 
                       "Exactly," I replied with a big smile on my face.
 
  When you're finished laughing, send this to another Grandma!!

Must get a set of these! (Click on each mug to read what it says)

Living in the Past
Another year has passed and we’re a little older.
Last summer felt hotter and winter seemed much colder.
There was a time not long ago when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand about “Living in the past”.
We used to go to weddings, football, games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes and after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches and while the night away.
We used to go out dining and couldn’t get our fill
Now we ask for doggie bags, come home and take a pill.
We often used to travel to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses just sitting in the car.
We used to go to nightclubs and drink a lot of booze.
Now we stay home at night and watch the evening news.
That, my friend, is how life is, and now my tale is told.
So enjoy each day and live it up, before you’re too damned old!

STAY YOUNG MY FRIEND

  We all need to read this over and over until it becomes part of who we are:  
 
1.    Try everything twice. One woman’s tombstone has the epitaph: “Tried everything twice. Loved it both times”.
2 .     Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you’re one of the grouches).
3.     Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, etc. Never let the brain get idle. “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop”.  And the devil’s name is Alzheimers.
4.     Enjoy the simple things.     
5.     Laugh often, long and loud.  Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with him/her.
6.     The tears happen. Endure, grieve and move on. The only person who is with us our entire lives is ourselves. LIVE while you’re alive.
7.     Surround yourself with what you love. Whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, etc.  Your home is your refuge.
8.     Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 
9.     Don’t take guilt trips.  Take a trip to the shops, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but not where the guilt is. 
10.   Tell people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. 
11.   Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance. 
12.    Share this with someone. Remember, lost time can never be found. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
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Wine does not make you FAT. It makes you LEAN (against walls,  tables, chairs, and ugly people). 

MY MOTHER

 
1. My mother taught me about WEATHER.     "Your room looks like a tornado hit it."

2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.     "You better pray that comes out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.     "If you don't straighten up I'm going to knock you into the middle of next  week."

4. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS.     "Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."

5. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.     "I brought you into this world, I can take you out."

6. My mother taught me about ENVY.     "There are millions of less fortunate children in the world who
don't have wonderful parents like you."

7. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.     "You are going to get it when we get home."

8. My mother taught me about GENEALOGY.     "Shut that door... You think you were raised in a barn?"

9. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.     "One day you'll have kids... I hope they turn out just like you!"

10.My mother taught me about LOGIC.      "Because I said so, that's why."

11.My mother taught me about STAMINA.      "You'll sit there until your cabbage is gone."

12.My mother taught me about IRONY.      "Keep crying. I'll give you something to cry about."

WHAT DID YOUR MOTHER TEACH YOU?

10 PIECES OF ADVICE .
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.
6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
7.. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
10... Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

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For those who have yet to read "Fifty Shades of Grey" and its sequels!!

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husbands point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag; T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread...

In her left hand she held a rope; And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominator !!

Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more; About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey

Doctor's Visit